Astrological Naughty Natal Charts
This report takes a amusing look at ones natal chart and makes an excellent gift
or practical joke for someone. It uses humor to poke fun at the person it is about
and is amusing because a lot of what it says is TRUE!
The report is about 5 pages long and I need your name at birth, date and time of
birth (time if known) and place of birth (city and state or country).
Hi my name is Starlene ~
I am a professional Astrologer, and Reiki Master & Teacher. If you have any
questions about your report I will happily try to explain them to you. I enjoy
assisting others on their path of knowledge. Astrology was my first interest in the
metaphysical arts. I also read Tarot, Spirit and Angel cards so if you are
searching for some answers about the energies surrounding you, I can probably
be of some help to you. I have made it my business and strongest desire to
assist others with their spiritual growth. So please be sure to check out my store
for other services that I offer.
I look forward to hearing from you!
Namaste,
Rev. Starlene Breiter RMT
Here is an example report for you to muse over... I know you have to be
curious what it says about you now too! ;)
The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:
Julia Roberts
October 28, 1967
12:16 AM
Atlanta, Georgia
Sun in Scorpio:
Scorpio - Key words: Great first impressions & The Masters of Deception
Like the eternal child who says "Mine. . ., Mine .. ., Mine . . .," you better believe what
belongs to the Scorpio native is indeed theirs. Be careful when visiting the Scorpio
home unannounced because you may find yourself in the middle of an active mine field
because they have decided, "I want to be alone!"
Scorpio women are only happy when they get their little faces involved ever so
innocently in other people's lives, trying to belong (so they say), taking over completely.
Beware key phrases like "What do you think about. . ." or "Would it be possible to. . .".
These are loaded opening statements that sound innocent, but are actually carefully
thought out ploys at taking over someone's life. In all fairness, they are dedicated, hard
working and conscientious, and because of this, they will eventually own the world, or
their fair share of it. Give up and give in gracefully, or don't let them into your life at all.
The mothering instincts of the Scorpio woman are so strong that even if they have
raised Son of Sam (A fun kind of guy who liked to murder people), they will defend them
to the hilt, while physically or verbally thrashing you in the process.
Scorpios searching for the power that rules can be compared to firing a gun inside a
tank. No matter where you hide, chances are you are going to get hit by a flying bullet.
Now to further clarify, the Scorpio fired the gun, and is the only one in the tank. They
have the same chance of obtaining the power they so desperately seek, no matter what
means they employ.
Typical Scorpio men can be so secretive, that most of the time they don't even tell
themselves what is going on!
Check a Scorpio's hand when they "give" something to you. Chances are, there is a
string directly attached to the item in question, and when you are not looking, they
simply reel it back in.
Scorpios have the same self control of Charles Manson and while you are out on a
date, expect to get into a dispute that can end up in legal proceedings. A typical
Scorpio would look at the whole incident as a barely passable date, except the
performance level was a bit under par.
The words scruples and Scorpio are not found in the same dictionary, corner of the
globe, or same hemisphere. Scorpio natives will do absolutely anything to get what they
want. Scorpios have the finesse of a hit man (and some of them are), and they have
the same ability to forgive as well.
The female of the species make excellent lovers, and burn at a very high passionate
intensity. Before attempting to engage this hot-blooded creature, make sure you are
wearing your fireproof underwear. You might want to re-evaluate your own
understanding of love making, as Scorpio women can hand you the reins, and expect to
be whipped by them just to get them mildly interested.
Scorpios make great hit and run journalists, hit and run drivers, blackmailers, terrorists
and madmen. These, of course, are the good qualities.
Moon in Leo:
The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.
"See me? See who I am? Aren't my new shoes pretty?", says the Moon in Leo native.
Everything is done in the style of the great "showoff" for the Moon in Leo native,
including the flowing hair and the need to be appreciated for any efforts they put forth,
whether deserved or not.
Anything will offend people with their Moon in Leo, just walk up to them for no reason
and say "What a creep!", and watch them become unglued. There is a strong need to
be an Authority Figure here, even if they wash dishes for a living, for they have a
natural attitude which I lovingly call the Napoleonic syndrome, or man holding up his
pants. Perhaps Napoleon wasn't holding up his pants, and if he wasn't, what was he
holding up ? HMMM?
Money is much more important to Moon in Leo people than they realize, so take a
moment and think about it, then accept it. Okay, time is up.
Moon in Leo natives have a hidden desire for power which will leap out when least
expected like a tornado headed for a trailer park, usually with the same intensity.
For Moon in Leo people the pleasure from love making can be derived as a side effect
from loyalty as well as the physical manifestation, or love and devotion from others has
the same effect, which really turns them on.
While on a date with a Moon in Leo person, expect them to jump up on any stage and
grab the microphone, even if there is no stage, or microphone. You might say Moon in
Leo natives are just a little bit insecure and need attention, or perhaps they are trying
to be fashionable.
Moon in Leo natives see everything revolving around them, with them as the center,
just as the sun is the center of the Universe. I knew it had to be someone's fault.
It is extremely easy to spot the emotionally unhappy Moon in Leo native, either they are
flat on their backs because their back has gone out, or they are suffering chest pains
from excessive stress.
People with this placement tend to dominate others with all of the grace and finesse of
Hagar the Horrible (Cartoon Character in the funny papers).
While in the home of a Moon in Leo person, expect to have a tour guide take you
around to show off all of the artwork and other meaningless articles which are bound to
be strewn about waiting to adored. You might even see the Moon in Leo native
themselves strutting around as well, in full fanciful garb who seems to fit into the decor,
waiting for equal adoration.
Mercury in Scorpio:
Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury
rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that
in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.
Here is the original two edged sword looking for the chopping block. These people are
so secretive, that they don't even talk to themselves, but Scorpio natives are perceptive
of others and know just when other people are vulnerable so they can swoop down and
pounce on them.
Here is another one of those signs that is overcritical of everyone but themselves, the
self appointed judge and jury. They should have be policemen, spies, or detectives,
peering into everyone's secret lives like a common criminal.
Love that is mysterious, behind the scenes and down and dirty, that's Mercury in
Scorpio. Sounds like love making with 007, with the same air of danger connected with
it. Come to think love making while being attacked would be perfect for them. They can
probably be found in dark alleys picking up stray cats doing unspeakable things just for
the intrigue.
These must have been the original streakers, who ran nude across the campus.
Anything bizarre or perverse is fine for them. They should avoid using the concept of
running through the streets nude as a tool for sex, because it won't work. Okay, it might!
This kind of person is the movie director who invites you up to his office to audition for
him. "Sit on my couch my dear, let's see what develops".
Venus in Virgo:
Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little
chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of
love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:
A satisfactory relationship for Virgos consists of a can of bug spray squirted in the face
of the loved one. If they make it through the Emergency Room, then love stands a good
chance of surviving. Living in a very sterile world is their forte, and females would make
great housewives as long as you have them wired correctly, check the programming
often, and keep a broom, mop, or kitchen utensil in their hand. All other elements of
existence are void, non-existent, and especially not covered by manufacturers warranty.
To Venus in Virgo natives, romance is about as interesting as a priest at a peep show.
Well, most of them anyway. Planning a romantic evening for Virgos is the same as
planning strategy in a football game, if all of the players are not in the right position,
there won't be any touchdown.
How do you actually spot the female Vixen of Virtue? She is very easy to find. She has
dinner on the table, greets you at the door only because you have dirty shoes, and
says "kiss kiss, hug, hug" (words only, there is no visible physical contact involved).
Romance for them is to hang out at a monastery, and look for people who flunked the
final exam. A note of caution: Never, ever walk in on Virgo's while they are on the
throne, this is where they spend most of their recreational time and they are very
guarded about their privacy.
A romantic evening for Venus in Virgo would be to put a dinner plate on the table for
their favorite pet, as it asks for nothing and gives so much. Venus in Virgo people really
excel at helping the underdog.
Real romance for Venus in Virgo is found in men who are married, terminal patients, or
totally disabled. Why?? Because they don't sit in judgement of people who are down
and out, instead they make sacrifices for them.
Mars in Capricorn:
Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting
and unsuspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To
get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal
chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.
Always there and faithful, like laundry day is the Mars in Capricorn native. They prefer
to set up specific boundaries with their lover. "This is my side of the bed and that is
yours, I don't cross over to your side, and you don't cross over to mine" The sex act
now completed, you may both now smoke a cigarette and bask in the rapture of the
moment, and back to business as usual.
Mars in Capricorn in intimate moments is like trying to move an immovable object. They
use the Military position of love which is the ability to make love while standing or laying
down completely at attention with absolutely no bodily parts moving or responding.
Kneeling is optional if done carefully. Making love to a Mars in Capricorn person is like
trying to hump a dry Martini.
Mars in this position points to a lack of sensuality, but it is overcompensated for by an
abundance of materialistic attitudes. If you want to make an impression on this native,
give them something material, but expect to be interrogated, as this position of Mars
uses this as foreplay. If you pass, you're in. If not, try bigger gifts.
These people are so practical that they actually plan out going to the bathroom and
make it an event. If they can charge money for a peek, then so much the better.
They have a very high degree of self control and discipline in everything except but
being able to go to the bathroom on a regular basis. They have the regularity of
concrete. Why? Because rigid thinking and actions dominate the body, both structurally
and diet-wise. The diet is so insufficient with this placement that you may actually find
them eating dead things on a cracker, thinking they have found ecstasy.
If you really want to impress this person, for their birthday have the house put under
attack by terrorists because they love a good challenge. For this reason they would
have made great military minds and strategists.
This report takes a amusing look at ones natal chart and makes an excellent gift
or practical joke for someone. It uses humor to poke fun at the person it is about
and is amusing because a lot of what it says is TRUE!
The report is about 5 pages long and I need your name at birth, date and time of
birth (time if known) and place of birth (city and state or country).
Hi my name is Starlene ~
I am a professional Astrologer, and Reiki Master & Teacher. If you have any
questions about your report I will happily try to explain them to you. I enjoy
assisting others on their path of knowledge. Astrology was my first interest in the
metaphysical arts. I also read Tarot, Spirit and Angel cards so if you are
searching for some answers about the energies surrounding you, I can probably
be of some help to you. I have made it my business and strongest desire to
assist others with their spiritual growth. So please be sure to check out my store
for other services that I offer.
I look forward to hearing from you!
Namaste,
Rev. Starlene Breiter RMT
Here is an example report for you to muse over... I know you have to be
curious what it says about you now too! ;)
The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:
Julia Roberts
October 28, 1967
12:16 AM
Atlanta, Georgia
Sun in Scorpio:
Scorpio - Key words: Great first impressions & The Masters of Deception
Like the eternal child who says "Mine. . ., Mine .. ., Mine . . .," you better believe what
belongs to the Scorpio native is indeed theirs. Be careful when visiting the Scorpio
home unannounced because you may find yourself in the middle of an active mine field
because they have decided, "I want to be alone!"
Scorpio women are only happy when they get their little faces involved ever so
innocently in other people's lives, trying to belong (so they say), taking over completely.
Beware key phrases like "What do you think about. . ." or "Would it be possible to. . .".
These are loaded opening statements that sound innocent, but are actually carefully
thought out ploys at taking over someone's life. In all fairness, they are dedicated, hard
working and conscientious, and because of this, they will eventually own the world, or
their fair share of it. Give up and give in gracefully, or don't let them into your life at all.
The mothering instincts of the Scorpio woman are so strong that even if they have
raised Son of Sam (A fun kind of guy who liked to murder people), they will defend them
to the hilt, while physically or verbally thrashing you in the process.
Scorpios searching for the power that rules can be compared to firing a gun inside a
tank. No matter where you hide, chances are you are going to get hit by a flying bullet.
Now to further clarify, the Scorpio fired the gun, and is the only one in the tank. They
have the same chance of obtaining the power they so desperately seek, no matter what
means they employ.
Typical Scorpio men can be so secretive, that most of the time they don't even tell
themselves what is going on!
Check a Scorpio's hand when they "give" something to you. Chances are, there is a
string directly attached to the item in question, and when you are not looking, they
simply reel it back in.
Scorpios have the same self control of Charles Manson and while you are out on a
date, expect to get into a dispute that can end up in legal proceedings. A typical
Scorpio would look at the whole incident as a barely passable date, except the
performance level was a bit under par.
The words scruples and Scorpio are not found in the same dictionary, corner of the
globe, or same hemisphere. Scorpio natives will do absolutely anything to get what they
want. Scorpios have the finesse of a hit man (and some of them are), and they have
the same ability to forgive as well.
The female of the species make excellent lovers, and burn at a very high passionate
intensity. Before attempting to engage this hot-blooded creature, make sure you are
wearing your fireproof underwear. You might want to re-evaluate your own
understanding of love making, as Scorpio women can hand you the reins, and expect to
be whipped by them just to get them mildly interested.
Scorpios make great hit and run journalists, hit and run drivers, blackmailers, terrorists
and madmen. These, of course, are the good qualities.
Moon in Leo:
The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.
"See me? See who I am? Aren't my new shoes pretty?", says the Moon in Leo native.
Everything is done in the style of the great "showoff" for the Moon in Leo native,
including the flowing hair and the need to be appreciated for any efforts they put forth,
whether deserved or not.
Anything will offend people with their Moon in Leo, just walk up to them for no reason
and say "What a creep!", and watch them become unglued. There is a strong need to
be an Authority Figure here, even if they wash dishes for a living, for they have a
natural attitude which I lovingly call the Napoleonic syndrome, or man holding up his
pants. Perhaps Napoleon wasn't holding up his pants, and if he wasn't, what was he
holding up ? HMMM?
Money is much more important to Moon in Leo people than they realize, so take a
moment and think about it, then accept it. Okay, time is up.
Moon in Leo natives have a hidden desire for power which will leap out when least
expected like a tornado headed for a trailer park, usually with the same intensity.
For Moon in Leo people the pleasure from love making can be derived as a side effect
from loyalty as well as the physical manifestation, or love and devotion from others has
the same effect, which really turns them on.
While on a date with a Moon in Leo person, expect them to jump up on any stage and
grab the microphone, even if there is no stage, or microphone. You might say Moon in
Leo natives are just a little bit insecure and need attention, or perhaps they are trying
to be fashionable.
Moon in Leo natives see everything revolving around them, with them as the center,
just as the sun is the center of the Universe. I knew it had to be someone's fault.
It is extremely easy to spot the emotionally unhappy Moon in Leo native, either they are
flat on their backs because their back has gone out, or they are suffering chest pains
from excessive stress.
People with this placement tend to dominate others with all of the grace and finesse of
Hagar the Horrible (Cartoon Character in the funny papers).
While in the home of a Moon in Leo person, expect to have a tour guide take you
around to show off all of the artwork and other meaningless articles which are bound to
be strewn about waiting to adored. You might even see the Moon in Leo native
themselves strutting around as well, in full fanciful garb who seems to fit into the decor,
waiting for equal adoration.
Mercury in Scorpio:
Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury
rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that
in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.
Here is the original two edged sword looking for the chopping block. These people are
so secretive, that they don't even talk to themselves, but Scorpio natives are perceptive
of others and know just when other people are vulnerable so they can swoop down and
pounce on them.
Here is another one of those signs that is overcritical of everyone but themselves, the
self appointed judge and jury. They should have be policemen, spies, or detectives,
peering into everyone's secret lives like a common criminal.
Love that is mysterious, behind the scenes and down and dirty, that's Mercury in
Scorpio. Sounds like love making with 007, with the same air of danger connected with
it. Come to think love making while being attacked would be perfect for them. They can
probably be found in dark alleys picking up stray cats doing unspeakable things just for
the intrigue.
These must have been the original streakers, who ran nude across the campus.
Anything bizarre or perverse is fine for them. They should avoid using the concept of
running through the streets nude as a tool for sex, because it won't work. Okay, it might!
This kind of person is the movie director who invites you up to his office to audition for
him. "Sit on my couch my dear, let's see what develops".
Venus in Virgo:
Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little
chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of
love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:
A satisfactory relationship for Virgos consists of a can of bug spray squirted in the face
of the loved one. If they make it through the Emergency Room, then love stands a good
chance of surviving. Living in a very sterile world is their forte, and females would make
great housewives as long as you have them wired correctly, check the programming
often, and keep a broom, mop, or kitchen utensil in their hand. All other elements of
existence are void, non-existent, and especially not covered by manufacturers warranty.
To Venus in Virgo natives, romance is about as interesting as a priest at a peep show.
Well, most of them anyway. Planning a romantic evening for Virgos is the same as
planning strategy in a football game, if all of the players are not in the right position,
there won't be any touchdown.
How do you actually spot the female Vixen of Virtue? She is very easy to find. She has
dinner on the table, greets you at the door only because you have dirty shoes, and
says "kiss kiss, hug, hug" (words only, there is no visible physical contact involved).
Romance for them is to hang out at a monastery, and look for people who flunked the
final exam. A note of caution: Never, ever walk in on Virgo's while they are on the
throne, this is where they spend most of their recreational time and they are very
guarded about their privacy.
A romantic evening for Venus in Virgo would be to put a dinner plate on the table for
their favorite pet, as it asks for nothing and gives so much. Venus in Virgo people really
excel at helping the underdog.
Real romance for Venus in Virgo is found in men who are married, terminal patients, or
totally disabled. Why?? Because they don't sit in judgement of people who are down
and out, instead they make sacrifices for them.
Mars in Capricorn:
Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting
and unsuspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To
get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal
chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.
Always there and faithful, like laundry day is the Mars in Capricorn native. They prefer
to set up specific boundaries with their lover. "This is my side of the bed and that is
yours, I don't cross over to your side, and you don't cross over to mine" The sex act
now completed, you may both now smoke a cigarette and bask in the rapture of the
moment, and back to business as usual.
Mars in Capricorn in intimate moments is like trying to move an immovable object. They
use the Military position of love which is the ability to make love while standing or laying
down completely at attention with absolutely no bodily parts moving or responding.
Kneeling is optional if done carefully. Making love to a Mars in Capricorn person is like
trying to hump a dry Martini.
Mars in this position points to a lack of sensuality, but it is overcompensated for by an
abundance of materialistic attitudes. If you want to make an impression on this native,
give them something material, but expect to be interrogated, as this position of Mars
uses this as foreplay. If you pass, you're in. If not, try bigger gifts.
These people are so practical that they actually plan out going to the bathroom and
make it an event. If they can charge money for a peek, then so much the better.
They have a very high degree of self control and discipline in everything except but
being able to go to the bathroom on a regular basis. They have the regularity of
concrete. Why? Because rigid thinking and actions dominate the body, both structurally
and diet-wise. The diet is so insufficient with this placement that you may actually find
them eating dead things on a cracker, thinking they have found ecstasy.
If you really want to impress this person, for their birthday have the house put under
attack by terrorists because they love a good challenge. For this reason they would
have made great military minds and strategists.
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| This report is geared towards adults because of its humor is on the naughty side. Not only does it tell you about your "shadow side" it speaks of and pokes fun at your sexual side too! This report is a funny one so be warned! |
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